I’m writing this letter and giving it to Charlie because I know he’ll give it to you. It’s not like Charlie hides who he is.
First let me tell you about Charlie, and about how much you love him, so you’ll believe we know the same man.
Charlie is the smartest man you’ve ever met. He’s handsome and charming, creative and brilliant, and when you’re with him you can hardly believe he’s human. But what’s really special about Charlie, or Charles as he sometimes prefers to be called, is how he makes you feel.
When you’re with Charlie you feel understood from the inside out. He is always one step ahead of you, always ready for what you’re about to say. He’s impossible to surprise, or so it seems, and he knows what you want almost before you do. And let’s be clear, he knows what you really want. Not the things you’re supposed to want, like flowers and candy and romantic evenings out. But the sexy, sweaty, demented things no one ever wants to confess…particularly to someone as cool as Charlie.
I’m here to tell you, after two years with this man, he really is that different from everyone you’ve ever met. If there’s an Einstein of the human heart…perhaps the feminine soul…this guy is it.
Now let me tell you the bad news . . .
You will never climb inside his head as deep as he is in yours. You will never understand him, never be able to predict him, never find a way to control him. Furthermore, understanding you and predicting your responses will not translate into him giving you everything you want. In fact, over time he becomes an expert in how little he has to give you to keep you in line.
You’ll learn that you can ask, then plead, then demand and then threaten all to no avail. You’ll discover that he can can melt from love to rage in a matter of seconds, can slice and dice you into a hundred pieces by talking to you, or cut you into a million pieces by leaving you alone.
You’ll learn that he’s taken your measure long ago, probably in the earliest hours you spent with him, and from that day forward he has had you chained. You can get away, but only by breaking that link to him, and it’s something you can’t bear to do because the moments you get with him…the few moments when he seems to care…are so incredible.
You’ll find yourself surviving between those moments with great difficulty and, tragically, they will get further and further apart.
I’m not writing this note to warn you.
By the time you get to read this I think you’ll be too far gone to contemplate walking out the door.
Instead I will tell you exactly what to do if you want to maximize the number of happy minutes you’ll have with him.
Listen to the little he says about how he feels, do what he tells you, and assume that’s enough to make him happy. Don’t attempt to do more. If he wants something more he’ll ask for it. Any significant initiative on your part is unwelcome. He’ll see the impulse for what it is, your attempt to capture more of his time and attention and he’ll resent it.
Don’t expect him to call or come over when you’re ill. Don’t be surprised when he forgets your birthday, calls off a date you’ve been planning for weeks, or shows up hours late to an important event. All those expectations are misplaced.
Don’t press him to define your relationship. He’ll tell you its exclusive…and it will be. But every past girlfriend would have him back and he has a half dozen girls he’s spoken to within the last month who’d love to date him. You are not in a position to ask for more time, more attention, more…anything.
He’ll tell you that he loves you, and he does. It doesn’t mean you’ll be walking done the aisle or moving in. There is no place to progress to from where you are.
You have already arrived.
In all honesty, you’ll do best, and perhaps be happiest, if you can simply surrender to doing what Charlie wants when he wants, and give up wanting anything yourself.
If Charlie is the “perfect man” you must become the “perfect woman” to accommodate him. Beautiful, intelligent, submissive, attentive, open, yielding, available…unreal and unburdened with the kind of human emotions that will lead you to reach out to a guy in the middle of the night when you just want a friend and a partner…not a God.
Since you’re already in the Charlie-Sphere, where reality is bolder and brighter than ever before, I urge you to enjoy yourself. You’ll remember these days for the rest of your life and count yourself lucky to have had them.
One day, like me, you will climb off the roller coaster. He’ll have found someone else or you’ll have grown too frantic and too tired to continue the game.
When you do escape you’ll be surprised how much time has gone by and how empty you have let your world become.
And you’ll have learned that you’ll never be the perfect woman the way Charlie is the perfect man. You’d have to cut out your heart to do that. You’ll be a little wiser, a little older and a little sadder, and like an exile from Shang-ri-la you’ll have to forget a lot to be happy again.
Somehow along the way you’ll have also discovered that Charlie isn’t that happy either.
When it’s easy to move from girl to girl, distraction to distraction, you don’t have to examine yourself and your life and make the hard decisions about what life is for and what you came to this planet to do.
You can live on the surface of things. Trusting people is hard and being worthy of their trust requires discipline and sacrifice. Charlie hasn’t met a girl that merits that investment yet. I’m betting he never will.
Could be I’m all wrong about Charlie and all wrong about what will happen to you and I really hope that’s true. I hope you have the biggest wedding ever.
But if I’m right, I hope you enjoy the ride . . . as so many have before you.